Once upon a time, I had four kids under the age of four...I have been thinking a lot lately about parenting. I think that during the first few (or several) years of being a mom, I did what I thought made sense, I tried different things with our different kids and adjusted as necessary, and I largely used my own upbringing as a mental guide. (Oh yeah, and I also thought that my way was definitely the best way. I've come a long way in getting over that now...) Over the past few years I have started observing more how other people raise their kids and how those kids are turning out; since I have some friends with older teenagers it has been quite interesting to look at the "results" of the way these kids were raised, or at least how I perceive it from the outside. A few years ago I heard about this lady and was intrigued, and more recently I heard about this lady. There are so many different way to parent and it's such an interesting subject!
Over the past week or two I have been thinking about it even more, because of some discussions with my sisters & mom about our kids and our ideas about parenting. I have been paying closer attention to the way I treat my kids, the way they speak to Aaron and I, the examples we are setting for them, what types of behavior we let them to get away with, how many decisions we let them make on their own, how often they are punished and/or rewarded, how often I raise my voice (not nearly as much as I used to, thank goodness), how often I say "no," etc.
And I've been thinking about things like, when I went to so much trouble to heat up water on the stove and haul it up the stairs so the kids could have warm baths when our hot water heater was broken, was that a nice thing to do for my kids, or was it spoiling them a little when they could've just toughed it out and taken cold showers? Several years ago I read a blog post where the writer commented on how sweet she thought it was that a neighbor parent carried her child's backback home from the bus stop every day. Labor of love, or making it too easy on the child who needs to learn to work and will have to do much harder things than carry a backpack someday? More recently I read a blog post where the writer allowed her son to get a mohawk haircut, because she had decided to start letting her kids make more of their own decisions; basically all decisions on their own that are not health- or morality-impairing. Is there any right answer on how to do it best?
I don't have any answers, it's just something I've been thinking about. I guess the bottom line is, no parenting style is the best for every family; and even within one family adjustments need to be made for each child. I remember when Noah was about 3 or 4 and I had him all figured out: I knew what motivated him, the best way to discipline, etc. But right around that time Molly became old enough to start disciplining... and I couldn't believe how different she was!! Nothing that I did with Noah worked the same way with Molly. And then of course my little twinners came along, being totally unique and different from each other.
Some days (most days) I am so pleased with the way my kids are turning out. Occasionally, I recognize a problem that I think I could've prevented had I done things differently when they were younger. Some days, I worry about their teen years and beyond, and wonder if they will have the strength to stay on track in the crazy world out there. Most days, I pray for patience and I try to take time to listen to them and help them. Every day, I am thankful that I married such a good man who has turned out to also be such a good dad. I think all we can do is pray for guidance, teach our kids to do the same, try to set a good example, and then work out the details as they come. I've only been a mom for (almost) 11 years, but I'm guessing that the learning & experimenting never ends when it comes to parenting!
7 comments:
Well said!
Good blog entry! Since Jake and I are the last ones to have kids on both sides of our families, I definitley look at all 6 different families and how the kids are parented. There are for sure things I will try with my own children, and stuff I will not allow or do. It's kind of nice that we get to watch and learn. But, I know, just like you said, all kids are different and what works for nephews and nieces wont always work for my kids.
But, I have told Jake in the past that I thought your kids were really well behaved (not that I haven't seen them cry or in time-outs when they were younger). And, that you and Aaron actually stay much more calm and collected- and have more patience, than many other parents (and I would have) in some situations. That's something I try to remember and do.
Oh yeah, and I saw that author of "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" on Colbert Report a few weeks ago. Very interesting (and of course Colbert makes it funny).
Thanks Sara. I needed that!
Well, you know that this is practicaly ALL that I have been thinking about lately! Parenting is so much harder than I ever imagined. And with 3 girls turning into teenagers... I'm afraid it's going to get worse for me!
I love this post. I think about this stuff all the time. When I had just two toddler/babies, I was sure I had it all figured out. And it was so easy to judge other peoples' parenting. Now I realize that we're all doing the best we can and the ultimate goal if for your kids to turn out better than you. Whenever I meet someone I think is really neat, or has a quality I would love for my kids or I to possess, I think, "I wonder how he/she was raised." Parenting is definitely all consuming.
Some very good thoughts Sara. We just want you to know that we think you and Aaron are doing a great job with raising your cute kids. They are so respectful and obedient but at the same time you have instilled in them a desire for learning and trying all kinds of fun things. Keep up the good work. We are very grateful for all you are doing.
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